I Started Writing This at 2:43 AM and Finished it at 4:10AM, so Shaddap, I'll Probably Wind Up Deleting It Anyway

I usually try and say something thoughtful, philosophical, and useful when I blog things, but I'm so tired that I'm making typos left and right, feeling like a half-drunk marathoner trying to finish mile twelve, while smoking a cigarette infused with heroin and marijuana, while intending to make it all the way to mile 24 at the very least, so we'll see what happens. Not that I know what that feels like.
Aren't my metaphors amazing?
50 points if you can guess how long it took me to write that first sentence. Agonizingly long, I'll tell you that. I'm still not sure if it's coherent; don't worry too much you can't make sense of it.

Still, past the shitty jokes which would make a mentally challenged beaver hide its head in shame, I have to make some apologies, and I'm not gonna bother with excuses. The only reason I have to make these is because I sucked, and still do. There are a few select people people who might read this (you), and many others who probably never will, considering I will never, ever link or even mention this blog to anyone who doesn't already know about it. This next part is gonna get pretty self-absorbed.
There's a person who has absolutely cluttered my phone with text messages, yet I refuse to delete a single message considering how much I've cherished the conversations we've had. I've been pretty damn quiet lately, and I should be writing for you right now, but I'm a lazy ass.

Sorry. Holy shit, are you the one I need to apologize to the most. I feel like if I see you, I should get down on my knees and kiss your shoes while begging for forgiveness. At the very least it would be entertaining. I don't know if I've ever been a comfort to you, or ever been useful, and I hope I have, but somehow I doubt it. I don't ever know what to say. I'll be honest; you're one of the very few people to come to me with problems, ones I've never had to deal with, ones that weren't (and aren't) standard everyday "young person" ones, as far as I can tell, and the others who have come to me were in person. It amazes me how useful an long, not-awkward silence between close friends is, but it's hard to pull that off in text. And besides, you taught me the importance of nodding and smiling, whether you meant to or not. I owe you a lot, and I'm not sure how or when I can pay off that debt.
I've got a few other friends whom I should apologize to as well. I've been a kind of antisocial dick to them lately. I think I may have built some sort of overused, overconfident ego that, looking back on what I've written so far, is poking through even now. I only wish it worked in speech as often as it does in text, because I love being a egotistical jerk while talking to people, too.
Sarcasm, by the way.
I should apologize to my little cousins, for recognizing the fact that they're spoiled brats and being completely unable to overlook that fact.
I should apologize to a certain girl in my school, whom I unintentionally annoyed the shit out of until she finally had to confront me face to face. My apology should have been less sarcastic and more sincerity. I'll be honest, that was the first blow to my ego I've had in a while, but I was an honest to god asshole.
I should apologize to my Sensei. 'Nuff said.
I should apologize, or at least own up to being a total weird-ass. There's a slight possibility that one or two people reading this know what I'm talking about, and if you do, I don't want to know. Please, never, ever bring it up, with me or with other people. I would seriously, honestly pay you to do this. I beg you not to.
There are a great many others who I have been terrible to, and not even realized it. I would like to apologize to them, and would ask them to please step forward and tell me exactly where I fucked up.

I suppose the only thing worse than having to apologize is knowing that one day, I'll probably have to do it again. It kind of makes this thing seem void.